6
Hello. I looked up vox populi on Alta Vista it means voice of the people in Latin, please tell me where in the Constitution it says United States of Latin America. Just because the Bilbergers doctored the election to get a communist Ethiopian as president with a african name does that mean the Journal Patriot is going to start using foreign words too? Did the Journal Patriot get purchased by the Trilateral Commission?
I am fed up to here with these nonsense and I am not the only one there is going to be a revolution in this country and we will take back America for real Americans not latin americans or ethiopians or the orientals or any other of these foreign invaders who want to take out the A in USA and replace it with a SR so now it is USSR. I would hate to see the Journal Patriot building get hit with a late night fire that noone can prove is arson wouldn’t you?
I certainly hope the next time I pick up a Journal Patriot I will not see the words vox populi but instead see voice of the people better yet voice of the American people.
Now there may be some that do not like what I have said here and if any one has a problem with it they can come and tell me about it personally. I am Harold Roten and I work at Roten Tire and Tune Up and I live there too so you can come by any time you want and we will get it on if that is what turns you on.
Harold Roten
PS Half off recaps this week for Americans with proof of citizenship (driver licence)
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3
15
There is no way I could be a newscaster or reporter for any of the local Austin News Stations. It’s too fucking hot outside and all of the guys who report for the station wear ties and long sleeve shirts. I could just imagine what viewers would think if I was doing the reporting outside of the capital, on hot asphalt, no shade, with a temperature of 95 degrees but a heat index of 115, wearing a long sleeved light blue shirt and a red tie, with enormous wet, see through areas on my shirt, and sweat pouring off my face like a waterfall, and my glassed fogged over because of the warm, moist heat coming from my head. They would think that I had just pulled myself out of a nearby fountain. But it would be the same way every time I was reporting something. I figure that the only way I could comfortably be a news reporter in Austin was if, when I was reporting a story, the other members of my crew would be pointing a giant fan in my direction, keeping me cool and keeping the sweat from drenching me. However, it would then look like that I was in the middle of a dry hurricane every time they aired one of my segments. Wind blowing my tie sideways and my hair in all directions.
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3
Ive known for a while that we have a very fat cat but up until tonight, i didn’t know how fat, or at least I had not come to grips with the fact. But after what I just saw, there is no denying it. Our cat is obese. We have a leather massage chair with the control that is attached to a large cord. I was sitting in the chair earlier when I heard a strange sound and felt a strange sensation on my back. Somehow, the machine had just turned on. I thought about how it was possible that it just turned on by itself because there couldn’t be any other reason why it turned on, when I forgot what I was thinking about and eased in to the chair. Later, when I got up, the chair turned itself on again. It was then when I realized that I had been sitting on the remote and my fat ass was turning it of an on at will. Now it has to take a lot of pressure to turn on that control and I weigh at least 240 pounds. Okay, I really way a few pounds more than that but I wasn’t lying because I said that I weighed AT LEAST 240 pounds. The reason I sort of told you my weight is because I needed to for the story. Like I said, it takes some weight and/or pressure or both, to turn on or off the control. I say that because 15 minutes ago, I hear the chair start up again on its own. At first I thought, just as I had suspected would happen in the first house that I bought, that the house would be haunted. At least the haunting, as of right then, was contained within the massage chair, which really isn’t that scary of a piece of furniture. Then, just as mind mind really started taking me to some terrifying places, I looked over at the chair and saw our cat Sunshine. She was sitting up in the chair and watching the back move up and down. At first she seemed a little scared but within a minute, she nuzzled in to the back of the chair, so that she, too, could get a massage. It was then that I realized that she, just like me, had sat on the control and turned on the machine. She must weigh over 100 pounds, give or take 80. Lose some fucking weight Sunshine. Every time that massage chair turns on, it makes my electric bill go up at least $2.00.
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2
I should have become a weatherman. Or as they are called these days, meteorologist. I don’t know why they call themselves that because it is just confusing to the viewer or listener. First time I heard them referred to as a meteorologist I sat in front of my tv, waiting patiently through car wreck after car chase after drug bust after corruption stories AND through commercials that told me that I could look forward to having a growing problem in about 5-10 years and the problem will probably occur on a golf course. I waited because I thought that I was about to witness a story about meteors. Maybe a meteor was headed for us. Maybe this was the big one that the History Channel keeps telling me about. Although I was briefly sad that I would not get to see my family again until we got to a place called heaven, where all of my family members, including my brother, were wearing wings and halos. I don’t know if this is an accurate depiction of heaven but I hope that it is. I wake up laughing and fall asleep laughing, if you sleep in Heaven, to my winged and haloed father trying to fly to the nearest McDonalds for the Heaven Don’t Wait burger, no trans fats. So there I am, sitting at the edge of my couch, when the news came back on and the meteorologist was there, about to tell me that we have a few hours, give or take, before the meteor will hit the earth, most likely in Los Angeles or New York, because for some reason, that’s where things like that happen in the movies. But, instead of an illustration of a giant fireball, I got a map of the United States with very familiar H’s and L’s, with circles around them. It was then that I realized that I had been duped. This was no man that studied meteors. This was just another weatherman with a fancy name. Then he went on to give the standard forecast for all weathermen. “There will be a 20% chance of rain today.” Watch it, you’ll see, they still do the same thing. It is a safe bet. If it does rain, you can state that you did say there was a CHANCE of rain but if it doesn’t rain you can say that even though you gave a 20% chance of rain, you also meant that there was a whopping 80% chance that it wouldn’t rain. That’s when I should have dropped everything that I was studying or doing and pursued the weather. Oh, and pursued meteorology. It is the only career that I know of that you can have a segment called accu-weather forecast, which leads the viewer to think that it is going to be an accurate forecast, when in reality, there is about a 100% chance that you are going to get the forecast wrong but, you get to keep your job. And this happens every day. It’s not that weathermen and women, I’m not sexist, miss the forecast 1 day out of 7. No, they miss it at least 75% of the time. A 25% success rate and you are asked to come back by your company, day after day after day, and do the same shitty job, and yet you still get to keep your job. I can’t even get away with successfully doing my job 50% of the time. No, the man wants me to be at least 90% successful and maybe I get to keep my job a few more months. But one thing that really bothers me on top of the fact that they can’t predict the weather, they don’t do anything important or useful, with the weather they do have. For instance, tonight, we had several hours of steady rain, thunder and lightning, after being told today that there was a, you guessed it, 20% chance of rain showers. So, I had to sit and watch the weather I mean the meteorologist glow in his awesome power of prediction. He did this with a bit of revisionist history by telling us that he saw this coming from early in the day. Well hell, I could tell you about something that happened 10 hours ago. So, during this forecast, he didn’t say anything but that the line of severe weather was way past us. So I take that to mean that we are safe to pursue outdoor activities. So, I opened the door to our back deck to go outside and lock our back gate, because I don’t want anyone looking in on me while I might be doing something that they shouldn’t be seeing. As soon as I stepped out onto the deck, an enormously bright light appeared and then a huge boom shook the deck and house. I immediately jumped back in to my house, closed the door, went and sat down on the couch, looked over at my wife and said, ” Is it too much to ask that the weatherman give us some useful information, like, ‘hey everybody, those storms are passed us and it is safe to go outside’, or maybe he could say something like, ‘WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THERE IS STILL VERY DANGEROUS LIGHTNING!’. So I came over to my desk to start a ground roots organization to hold inaccu-weather forecasts, because that is what I am calling them now, I want to hold them to some kind of standard. My only demand is that you keep me safe. If you can’t tell me that 10 inches of rain and hail the size of watermelons are about 3 hours from landing on me, at least have the brains to tell me to say inside and be safe. That’s all that I want. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for.
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